RockStar Productions Presents: Being Paolo Malkovich

RockStar

AP - August 31/2005 - 9:00 a.m. EST

A view from inside of Paolo Malkovich’s nutsack

Have you ever wanted to take nutswinging to the next level? Well, for a few short hours last night and this morning, you could have. One energetic student from the seldom recognized Pitt Engineering class of 2005, along with his easily manipulated cohorts, found a website that worked as a portal between this world and the fascinating world of Paolo Malkovich’s yam-bag.

Pitt Dorm Racer: “It was really just dumb luck. After finishing last nights circle jerk to cell-phone pics of our new RA, my buddies and I decided to photoshop a dynograph and post it on ViperAlley, with the intention of misleading the members into thinking that the graph was actually the results of Paolo’s new Twin-Turbo project.

As soon as I hit the submit button, I found myself on the inside of Paolo’s sperm bank.

For what seemed like an eternity, I was amazed at the idea of finally knowing what it’s like to actually swing “inside” of Paolo’s dufflebag. I mean, swinging from the outside of Paolo’s nuts is a great experience in and of itself, but there I was standing on a soft cushion of greatness! After only 15 minutes, though, I found myself lying face down in the dirt outside of Three-Rivers Stadium. It was a humbling experience to say the least, but for those 15 minutes, I was the world’s greatest nutswinger.”

When young Pitt Dorm Racer finally returned to the dorm room in Tower B, he could hardly contain his excitement.

“Guys, this is more earthshaking than the first time we saw the RA and ran screaming like schoolgirls at an Elvis concert into the hallway! I was just inside of Paolo’s sack! This discovery will not only get us on the Dean’s list, but we’re talking Katie Couric, The Tonight Show, and Conan O’Brien all wrapped up in one! Fuck ViperAlley, dudes. Those homos wouldn’t know greatness if it teabagged Craig201 and donkeypunched 8500RPM in one fail swoop!”

One of the other students was quick to correct young Pitt. You see, there happen to be several members on ViperAlley that would give their right arm to experience 15 minutes inside of Paolo’s nuts.

Pitt could see the beauty of his friend’s logic.

From there, it didn’t take long for the list of candidates to grow. Like a classic Tom Cruise movie, our young, energetic nutswinging posse turned a freak discovery into a highly profitable business model. Users lined up by the dozens to use the portal for a quick glimpse of life inside of Paolo’s SudSack.

There was only one problem. Paolo became increasingly uncomfortable with the idea of hosting an endless stream of adoring fans within the comfortable confines of his mudflap.

“I’m shutting down the portal”, Paolo told Pitt, who at the time happened to be counting a thick wad of hundred dollar bills.

“It’s my portal, Paolo, and I’ll shut it down when I see good and fit”, Pitt replied, a hint of angst in his voice. He knew that he was in over his head, sitting there arguing with the legend himself over the rights to violate a mans privacy like no one before had ever conceived.

“Maybe, but IT’S MY NUTSACK Pitt, It’s my nutsack!”

Seeing the anger in his longtime hero’s eyes was enough to convince Pitt that he had finally reached the end of his rope with Paolo. What had he done? How could he not have seen this coming? What started out as the single greatest accomplishment in nutswinger history, had now become a rift between himself and the greatest man he had ever known. The photoshopped dyno sheet and the humiliation of dancing gleefully in the hallways at the sight of a semi-attractive RA was bad enough, but now this.

The pain was unbearable, the embarrassment undeniable. His head spun as he felt the entire online world collapsing around him as if Paolo had just prematurely popped in his eye.

In the end, the two reached a mutual agreement. Pitt and a select few members of ViperAlley still have permission to use the portal in small and infrequent doses, and Paolo gets to regain control of his family jewels……….for the most part.

WAR MAYBE IF PAOLO BEDS THE RA YOU CAN CATCH A RIDE ON A SPERM AND ACTUALLY SEE THE INSIDE OF A WOMAN

slaughterj

Niiiice.

ryan0

i love you man

Genetic Cesspool

Oh snap!

JGK95

DAMMIT GREG!!!

Even as a friend of Paolo's I thought that was f**kin funny! You have to laugh at that! I gotta tell you, If you don't start writing for either MAXIM, FHM, ESPN, Mad Magazine or National Lampoon, I will declare your writing Talent Seriously Wasted!! Your talent is F**king insane and doesn't know any limits! Seriously, Get a freakin' job as a contributor to any of the magazines I mentioned above or even one's I didn't mention. You got the talent, now put it to Greenbacks!



Jay K.

TOM B

Fucking HI-larious.

Minivan Man

A typically brilliant Rockstar production.

GARY J

That's really fuckin' funny!!!

3Some

Good stuff!

PBG

Every once in a while, life as we know it has a gets a brief shining moment, where we all grin, smile and chortle over another epic from Rockstar's illustrious keyboard. :thumb:

8500rpm

Cool, a female nutswinger!

Kansas

Damn! I am going to have to write these down...

nutsack
yam-bag
sperm bank
dufflebag
SudSack
mudflap
and of course, "soft cushion of greatness"

Forget Maxim, National Lampoon, FHM, etc. You need to pen for Roget's... :thumb:

BigCarrot

Emanon

HA! chortle...

PBG

Come on, how many people do you know that can throw that word in a sentence??

The Former PFR

Very nice Rockstar. A few corrections though. Three Rivers no longer exists. It has been replaced by Heinz Field. I no longer reside in the Towers. Now I live in Pennsylvania Hall. Circle jerk pictures were taken with my Canon Digital Rebel with the included EF-S 18-55 mm lens and Canon Speedlight 420EX Flash. Since then, Paolo and I have had a bit of a falling out, but I still sneak in every once in a while for a nap. In addition, I have also found a portal into the great John Hennessey's bundle of love. Otherwise, it appears that I have been:

Kramer

Wow 3 nutswings in one post. Perhaps you should replace Poor engineering student with nutswing whore.

You are fucking pathetic.

The Former PFR

No, actually, I just wanted to use some of my new funny "owned" pictures. That, and I rather enjoy all of this shit. It makes me laugh. It is more fun to play along, than get pissed.

The Former PFR

You know, I find it funny that the whole fucking board can nutswing all over Heffner's nuts to the point on which they are dragging on the ground. However, nobody seems to realize it. However, my ball busting take on SVS is seen as a nutswing. I support Paolo because I know for a fact that his system is significantly better thought out than anyone else. You think I just sit back and enjoy the fruits of his manhood? Hate to break it to you, but I have made suggestions to Paolo and discussed issues with him that have made it into his final designs. In addition, I have also recently helped him figure out what was causing a stumble in the first gear of the new TT. The reason why all of the "idiots" like Paolo is because we are genuinely intelligent people who do not specialize in internet smack. However, he is not afraid to talk to us "nobodies." Perhaps his surrounding himself with lots of ideas leads to better designs. Hmmmm.... what a fucking concept. Talk to people, improve your product, make friends, not be an ass. Try it sometimes.

NOITALL