|
Revised Employee Handbook
Revised Employee Handbook
New policies:
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according
to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers
and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing
well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore
you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right
where you need to be and therefore you do not need raise.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday and Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
The vacation days are as follows:
Jan 1, July 4 and Dec 25.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require
at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your
own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At
the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet
paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture
will be taken. After your second offense, your
picture will be posted on the company bulletin board
under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to
eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size
people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to
drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
-The Management
|
Linear Mode
