An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"
The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."
So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
A man in his 40s bought a new Viper and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Viper," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,
A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber and asks how much he owes him.
The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house."
The priest says, "Thank you, my son," and leaves.
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 silver coins. A few days later, a Sheik goes in for a trim, and when the time comes to pay the barber says,
"No money, please. You're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, it's on the house."
The Sheik says, "God bless you," and leaves.
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 gold coins. The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says,
"No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace."
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 Rabbis!
Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy. I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my stepmother. Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, it simply drives me wild. For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, “Oh, Shit!” Only the states of West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: “Hold my beer and watch this.”
A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalkboard and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"
And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"
And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"
And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."
A preist and a rabbi were walking down the street together. A young boy passed by and the priest said "Wow, I sure would like to fuck him." To which the rabbi replied, "Out of what?"
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