Bubba and Skeeter must of been bored one night........
Too funny to not share!
Fun with Tazers!
I bought something really cool at Larry's Pistol and Pawn last Saturday. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee . . . I'm easily amused, just fyi, but I have yet to explain to Beth what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave . . . ruuuu roooo.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my dog Molly looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Molly), and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Molly for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet doggy, after all.
But, if I was going to give this thing to Beth to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time . . .
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no boody way!" Bloody way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Molly looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it daddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY **************!
DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!
I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Molly was standing over me making whimpering sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again daddy, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute/so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. +/- an ounce/two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. They make a clanging sound, and were last seen hanging from Beth's rearview mirror. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
NOTE TO MEN: DO NOT buy your wife a Tazer gun. Beth's is broke now and it may be awhile before I get around to fixing the damn thing.
NOTE TO WOMEN: Buy lots of batteries . . . think of the possibilities.
This message is provided to you as a public service to illustrate that stupid should hurt, and most assuredly always does in my case. Have a nice day!
I once had someoen try to nail me in the leg with a tazer, however in his infinite wisdom he had the electrodes pinned up against his wrist, and basically just smacked in the leg with a hunk of plastic. The resulting *pop* shocked everyone, as it was unknown an irishman could move that fast.
Some girl showed up at my apartment with one back in undergrad.
A buddy of mine had a rude buzz going and got ahold of it. Turned it on himself. Legs at first..then moved onto throat and head shots.
Then they stuck a fucking lightbulb in his mouth and nailed him in the side of the head...[img]/images/graemlins/laughing.gif[/img] The bulb didn't light... So they changed batteries and nailed him again...
A large person wants to attack you. A three round burst into his face with a .40 is a very strong deterant.
Some girl showed up at my apartment with one back in undergrad.
A buddy of mine had a rude buzz going and got ahold of it. Turned it on himself. Legs at first..then moved onto throat and head shots.
Then they stuck a fucking lightbulb in his mouth and nailed him in the side of the head...[img]/images/graemlins/laughing.gif[/img] The bulb didn't light... So they changed batteries and nailed him again...
A large person wants to attack you. A three round burst into his face with a .40 is a very strong deterant.
Yeah. The consumer stun guns won't do too much. It is a shock but won't disable someone. We use to see who could stun themselves the longest. Not much of a deterrent.
Yeah. The consumer stun guns won't do too much. It is a shock but won't disable someone. We use to see who could stun themselves the longest. Not much of a deterrent.
Yeah. The consumer stun guns won't do too much. It is a shock but won't disable someone. We use to see who could stun themselves the longest. Not much of a deterrent.
Are they even legal in CA?
Eddie
I have no idea. This was back in highschool when I lived in virginia.
Funny you mention CA though. I'd pay to see a gang fight where everyone only had stun guns. It would be almost as funny as a gang fight with plastic wiffle ball bats.
Damn that was funny!!
Can I send you some pepper spray to test? I always wondered what it was like...
I have done both. Shot myself in the eyes (actually one eye) with pepper spray, and tazered myself.
Hands down, the pepper spray wins. Here is why. Unfortunately, I do not have the writing talents of the original poster, but I will try to describe.
I had a 100,000 volt tazer. I had shocked myself in the arm, thigh, and trapezius with it. The trap hurt the worst. I can't really describe how it felt, as this was years ago... but it hurt, and I would do it again if paid maybe... $100.00 for one second.
One of my employees was raped. The college gave her police strength pepper spray. I asked her if it made her feel better. She said she didn't know, because she didn't know if it would work. I said, "Well, lets try - shoot me in the eyes!" and my employee said, "OKAY! (I guess they really don't like me so much)"
So we went outside. I pulled off my sunglasses and told her to fire. She did. It wasn't a spray, it shot out in a jet stream. The first shot was very short and it missed. It hit my forehead and went over my head, some of the crap hit my scalp. I told her she had to aim better. Hit me in the eyes. Hold it down longer, and shoot it on my face. She said "OKAY!"
Being the unafraid type of guy I am, and being adventurous, I tell her to fire. She does. This time, it hits me directly in my right eye. I don't know if my face contorted, or if I yelled, but she didn't follow directions and spray it all over my face. She stopped.
My right eye felt like it instantly got stabbed with a... baseball bat. So much pain came from it that I almost fell to the concrete from one eye. I covered it with my hand and I tried to run inside my store to wash it out (maybe that is why she stopped). I slammed my head against the wall in a panic. This barely phased me compared to the pepper spray. I managed to get inside, and I felt like I needed to lie down on the ground and curl up in a fetal position. I can't describe the pain any better. It caused so much pain, that I actually couldn't think what else would make it feel better, and the confusion would go away if I just lied down and curled up.. Luckily for me, I had only one eye damaged, and the other one told me to stay up and run to the bathroom. I slammed into one very understanding customer on the way there, (actually headbutted her - but she was my friend) and made my way to the faucet, where I spent the next 15 minutes running cold water over my eye. After another 1/2 hour I could see normally, but I still had a RASH over my forehead from the first spray. I don't think I have ever experienced so much panic mixed with pain and I can't begin to imagine having that death spray in both of my eyes. I thought I would lose my sight in my one eye.
I would much rather prefer a 100,000 volt shock over police pepper spray any day. ANY DAY. I have ever since told everyone, I would give up whatever I had in a robbery/muggings, if they threatened my with that police strength pepper spray. I wish I could explain it in better detail. One hit in ONE EYE makes you feel like you need to curl up on the floor, and it takes will power and reasoning NOT to. If both my eyes were hit, I would have hit the deck and probably just laid on the ground confused holding my eyes without being able to control my actions.
