[viperjim]

Am I Gay?" Self Examination for Men

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are
gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and
have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and
doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog,
but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself,
has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be
fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I
said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a
cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be
framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks
on bar-B-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled
pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training and
undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world
is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates wherever he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man
will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte". If you've put a
Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four
different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as
well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory
space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out
chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you
can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are
faggadocious.


7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying
to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to
honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the
time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger,
or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males (and a few cool chics)
on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then are you definitely on the verge on being a Major fudgepacker.


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