[RockStar]

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to the dozens of noobs who have decided to grace us with their ever-annoying presence in the past few months.

In This Chapter

-What, really, is ViperAlley?
-What is ViperAlley good for?
-Is ViperAlley a safe place?
-How do I get the most enjoyment out of ViperAlley?
-A few real life stories
-Why is ViperAlley different from any other online forum?
-The Alley advantage
-Protect your privacy
-Closing comments

OK, SO WHAT IS VIPERALLEY?

ViperAlley, also known as “The Alley”, is the world’s greatest internet forum. It was spawned from the collective mindsets of a choice few members of another site called ViperClub.org, or quite simply “The Morg”. A band of e-misfits, banished from the Morg for excessive trash-talking and blatant disregard for the-powers-that-be, decided that they could have their own slice of the web and devote it to full-time nonsense and general tomfoolery.

“What is a forum”? you may ask. In general, a forum is an online community where people from all corners of the earth can share ideas and ideologies in the form of a bulletin board. It’s sort of like a workshop or discussion group where like-minded individuals can gather without leaving the comforts of home.


WHAT IS VIPERALLEY GOOD FOR?

ViperAlley can be used for all sorts of purposes, such as information related to the Dodge Viper, or current events and political discussions (along with a healthy dose of gratuitous porn). But the premier usage of the Alley is simply for enjoyment.

Please say that aloud: “ViperAlley exists primarily for enjoyment”.

Now, at this point it is vital for you, the reader, to understand something. ViperAlley does not exist for your enjoyment. It exists for the enjoyment of its creators and original members. Some examples of what that means will be covered in greater detail in chapters 3 through 9, but suffice it to say that if you don’t value being the target of many people’s aggressions towards idiots and morons, you may not enjoy your stay here.

This group includes, but is not limited to; grammatically challenged individuals, individuals whom lack basic spelling skills, know-it-alls (except those know-it-alls that are included in the original group), anarchists, religious zealots (except those religious zealots that are included in the original group), nerds, dorks, Star Trek and/or Star Wars fans, trolls, basically unfunny individuals who resort to posting smilies in the place of witty retorts, and of course…..liberals (except those liberals that are included in the original group, or are site administrators with the ability to seriously fuck your life up at the touch of a button).

IS VIPERALLEY A SAFE PLACE?

In a word: NO.

Unless, that is, you make a conscious decision to not fall into any of the above mentioned categories, and become a valuable asset to the Alley community. You can protect yourself from being grouped in with the growing herd of clones by restricting yourself to very few posts a day, and by making sure that your points are at least valid and on topic, if not absolutely hilarious on their own. Remember, you are here to entertain the masses, not the other way around.

The number and type of posts you can make are so expansive that we don’t have room to give a complete list in this chapter, but here’s a quick summary:

Informational

An informational post can be one that specifically answers a question posed by another member, or it can simply be something that you have found elsewhere on the internet, or in the real world, that you are certain will be helpful to the Alley community.

Humorous

Humor takes many forms. When deciding to make a humorous post, please be advised that if the membership doesn’t find your particular brand of humor to be entertaining, then you might experience what is affectionately known as a “dogpile”. We will cover dogpiling extensively in later chapters. For now just go on the assumption that you never want to be on the receiving end of one.

Commentary

A commentary is a perfectly reasonable method of posting, provided that your commentary fits within the general context of the current discussion. Injecting a comment into a discussion that doesn’t belong is considered “hi-jacking” and is reserved for those members that are higher than you on the food chain. Again, we will discuss hi-jacking in greater depths in later chapters. Let’s keep your focus on the basics for the time being.

Before deciding to comment on a particular thread, ask yourself the basic questions; “Does my point of view really matter? And if so, what is the likelihood that, if I raised my point in a public place, I would get bitch-slapped for my efforts?”

Smack

Smack is generally reserved for those members who have a basic understanding of prose, and a knack for making humorous posts at the expense of other members. For the most part it is advised that readers of this book stay as far away from smack as they can possibly get. Nothing good can come of you trying to lash out, only to end up the laughing stock of the entire Alley. Our goal here is to integrate you into life on the Alley as quickly and quietly as possible. The last thing we want is to have an imprint of an illuminati’s member burned into your forehead. First we go along, and then we get along.

HOW DO I GET THE MOST ENJOYMENT OUT OF VIPERALLEY?

Ideally, you don’t.

If ViperAlley wanted you here, you would have been touched on the shoulder by one of the founders, and your presence here would have been requested. Keep this in mind as you surf the Alley, as this concept represents the basic premise of this book.

Should you decide to stay, however, the most appropriate way to get the most enjoyment out of the site is to choose your moments wisely, and try to be as entertaining as is humanly possible. The quickest way to success on the Alley is to blend in. If this book teaches you one thing, it should be that life on the Alley is not about being seen and heard. It’s about being noticed and remembered.

More on this note in the following chapter:

A FEW REAL LIFE STORIES

-An engineering student at the University of Pittsburgh used ViperAlley as a platform to show the world his ability to swing from another man’s nuts. After several months of witless banter and shoddy penmanship, our young student was suspended for 24 hours for excessive trolling. 3 weeks later, it was brought to attention that young PittNutSwinger was still unable to post on the Alley. A classic example of being seen and heard, but not noticed or remembered.

-In March of 2004, an unsuspecting member of ViperAlley tried to pass himself off as somewhat of a military hero, thus violating the cardinal rule of online message boards; Never, ever, represent yourself as something that you are not. ViperAlley illuminati are especially adept at exposing fraudulent characters and proceeding to publicly humiliate said individuals well beyond accepted levels of mercy and/or remorse.

-One former member of the Alley decided it would be funny to sign a post with a distasteful reference to a recent real-world tragedy. After a few weeks of hopelessly engaging the illuminati in an online battle of wits and witticisms, the poor decrepit member slunk off into the annals of Alley lore, a broken and pathetic shell of his former self.

WHY IS VIPERALLEY DIFFERENT FROM ANY OTHER ONLINE FORUM?

It is visually stunning, and grossly entertaining

The Alley is unlike any other online forum we’ve ever encountered. This is partly due to the tireless efforts of the site administrators, but mainly due to the quality of content produced by the original members (as well as a choice few of the newcomers) of the site. Nowhere on the internet can you find a larger contingent of trash-talking connoisseurs as you can at ViperAlley.

It’s as politically, socially, and religiously incorrect as you can get

The illuminati on ViperAlley is always right. Keep this also in mind when deciding whether or not to further your meager existence on the Alley. There is no equality, and opinions are truly like assholes……you are obviously in possession of one, but nobody wants to see or hear it.

Who you are on the Alley depends solely on how you present yourself through your keyboard. If what you say makes you sound like an intelligent, interesting person, that’s who you are. It doesn’t matter how old you are or what you look like or whether you’re a student, a business executive, or a construction worker. Physical disabilities don’t matter — we make fun of everyone equally. People become famous in the Alley community, some favorably and some unfavorably, and they get that way not through their own efforts, but because we choose to make them legendary.

THE ALLEY ADVANTAGE

Here are just a few ways you can enjoy the Alley without making a nuisance of yourself:

-Getting Information

If you need to know what the best asking price for your late model Viper should be, feel free to ask in our Viper Discussions area and we’re sure another member will be more than willing to help you out. Keep in mind, that asking idiotic questions like “What are those speakers on my hood used for?” will most likely result in your being publicly ridiculed beyond anything you’ve ever experienced.

-Finding People

The Alley is full of people like yourself that share a common love for not just Dodge Vipers, but, for the most part, all performance vehicles in general. As with the information section above, repeatedly trying to nail down a new hubby on the Alley will most likely result in your being labeled a whore. There are certain situations where this rule doesn’t apply of course, but those are reserved for longer standing, more respected members of the site and should not be looked upon as the rule, but rather the exception.

-Porn

The Soup Kitchen is one of the most frequented spots on the Alley, but you need to be a site supporter to gain access. Donating as little as $20 gets you unlimited access to some of the best porn that the web has to offer. Not to mention it gets a certain Jew off of your ass when it comes time to publish his latest edition of “The Shit List”.

-Shopping

ViperAlley’s unique shopping feature is a great way to do all of your online comparison shopping in one easy-to-use and convenient location. Again, shopping for a new man is not included in this site feature and will be met with furious resistance and endless dogpiling (unless, of course, we approve of your courtship, in which case we will all be pissed if you don’t invite us to Hawaii for the nuptials).

-Games

The Alley arcade can be a great place to burn a few boring minutes before clocking out for the day, but beware: We have the “Rabbi Krustofski” and the “Don King” of the internet just waiting to pounce should anyone dare to break the records on Ms. PacMan or Penguin Bash.

PROTECT YOUR PRIVACY

Here at ViperAlley, we’ve grown up with certain attitudes about freedom
and privacy, many of which we take for granted. We tend to feel that who we are, where we go, and what we do is our own business as long as we don’t bother anyone else. However, bunches of people are extremely interested in who we are, where we go (on the Alley, at least), and, most especially, what we do for a living.

It is highly recommended that you refrain from spouting off in Anything Goes about what you do, what you have, or how much money you make. Rest assured, there are members here that have more than you will ever dream of. And don’t be worried that you won’t have an online identity unless you share some secret aspect of your personal life with us. We’ll just make one up for you.

Just imagine………you could become the next Grand Wizard of the Klu Klux Klan.

CLOSING COMMENTS

Enjoy the Alley for all that it is. Just do yourselves and the rest of us one big favor: Don’t be a douche. And if you are going to be a douche, at least be funny about it.


WAR CLASS DISMISSED