[Joker]

I am curious to see what percentage of people here have had to or deal with this issue. This in part was a factor in my father going way too far having diabetes. It was like a death sentence to him and he never recovered. I remember months leading up to his death he would talk of life insurance policies and he got real emotional. You would have to know my father and his warped sense of humor. Looking back now of course there were signs all over but at the time he just seemed like Jerry. I didn't even know he was on medication for his depression. He was not an open person about his feelings. If there is such a thing as indirect suicide that is what he did.

I didn't post this to be a downer but I am currently working on a new painting and I have had to revisit some past emotions and issues with my father. The name of the painting is Toxic City. My father combined with his diabetes and "status in society" were major factors in him choosing the path he chose. He was my inspiration even though his friends and family called him a failure or felt he was. He was at the top of his game in the computer arena and risked all that for a dream of success. People saw his shortcomings, I saw his passion and fire. Towards the end me and him had a father son talk and I asked him a question. I asked him knowing the outcome of his decisions and if he could go back would he have stepped away and risked it all? He didn't even hesitate and said he would. He could not have lived with himself if he had not at least tried again and again and so on. I stil remember when having nothing in the house, my ex-step-mather had left him and the gas had been shut off and we had to cook frozen elk steak in the microwave. He jsut wouldn't accept failure. Finally I had to go live with my mother and my dad had no choice but to return to what he knew, computers. He had no friends and he had no wife. Looking back he no doubt needed me and I wasn't there. I didn't realize how deep the depression was.

I felt it was important to express this, not for attention rather if you know of somebody in your family suffering from this, take time to be there for them and try to understand what they are going through. I was busy in my life trying to get myself straight and head in the direction of success and left my father behind. He was there for all those years I was growing up and I kept putting him off. Saying to myself I have this and this to do, next weekend dad we will go fishing ect. He died and I was able to make the time to arrange his funeral but I couldn't make the time to be with him prior. Interesting how life slaps you back in the face.

Just make the time folks